The Feast of Fools
by Creedog VanDrey
Summary: Will notices that some of his glee students have a bit of a new look.  It turns out that the social hierarchy of McKinley High is about to see some major changes.
1. A Little Something New

The Feast of Fools: Chapter 1  
by Creedog VanDrey

Category: _Glee_  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: K+  
Language: English  
Summary: Will notices that some of his glee students have a bit of a new look.  
Spoilers: Takes place at the beginning of Season 2. Nothing you haven't seen in the promos.

A/N: After depressing what seemed to be the entire fandom with "No Escape," I thought I'd go to the other extreme with some fun bordering on the level of crack.

* * *

Chapter 1: "A Little Something New"

When Will walked into glee practice, he couldn't help but notice something was off. The major tip-off was that the Cheerios were not wearing their uniforms. And none of the football players were wearing their varsity jackets. One by one, he noticed each student was wearing an outfit not typical for them.

"Hey, guys," he greeted, "You know Halloween's not for two months, right?"

"Coach Sylvester was kidnapped," Quinn explained dryly.

After a long pause, Will replied incredulously, "What?"

Santana recounted the story blandly, "Yeah, the police were investigating her house after her burglar alarm went off. The place was trashed and there was a flag hanging on her mantle."

Brittany held up a piece of white construction paper which she'd colored in with red crayon around a white cross. "I bet it's the math club. Sue thinks math is a dead art. Plus, this is totally one of the letters in that funny language they write in."

"That's the flag of Switzerland," Will commented.

Santana frowned, "I figured it was a country flag, I just hadn't been to World History to look it up in my textbook."

"Why not?" Will asked innocently, "it's after school. Weren't you there today?"

Santana doesn't respond, just glowered until the question was dropped.

Finn asked, aghast, "Wait, Mr. Schue, you think Swedish people kidnapped Coach Sylvester?"

Will laughed. "Hold on, guys, why in the world would Swiss nationalists kidnap our cheerleading coach?"

"Don't you watch _Sue's Corner_, Mr. Schue?" Quinn asked.

"Not if I can help it. Why, what'd she say?"

: : :

"So, here's the deal. I am breaking my vow of silence against the United Nations to deliver this message. Normally I'd refrain from addressing your namby-pamby little peace club, but this is of grave urgency. Now, listen closely, because I will not repeat myself as it is against my core moral beliefs. Dissolve the state of Switzerland. If there's one thing that makes this world weak, it's a neutral party. On any issue, there are two sides: the one I support and the wrong one, and it is imperative for every loyal citizen to blindly choose one and stand their ground unyieldingly. My recommendation is that the country's land be divvied up amongst its neighbors, with preference given to countries that are more historically forthright in their beliefs. Granted, this does mean that Germany will be getting a full 70 percent, but I think we can all agree that we wouldn't want it any other way. And that's how Sue 'C's it.

: : :

"So, you guys don't seem very worried about her."

"Miss Sylvester will be fine," Quinn explained. "She was able to fight off one of them. She wrote a message in his blood stating that she would fight her way back and that the Cheerios should find new cliques temporarily. I've decided to become a prep." She leaned back, showing off her designer label clothing and giant sunglasses.

"I like; it's very yuppie bohemian chic," Kurt remarked, impressed, extending his hand to Quinn to offer a finger-wiggle of congratulations, which she returned. "How do you afford it, though?"

"Oh, my mom cleaned out my dad in the divorce."

"Oh, sorry for you dad," Mercedes stated sympathetically.

"Oh, don't be. He landed on his feet. He started banging his secretary and when the partners found out, they gave him a promotion. So, divorce saves another family. My dad gets to watch Fox News with a 24-year-old on his lap and my mom gets to lounge by the pool all day."

This tidbit of information caused Puck to perk up, but Quinn, incredulously, warned him, "I will _slice_ them off. Words cannot express how disturbing that would be."

There was suddenly a high-pitched barking coming from Quinn's purse, out of which she produced a fuzzy mess of a dog, which she glared at, "This is the noisiest accessory ever." The dog licked Quinn's nose, and she gave it a half-smile. "And it poops. So not worth the effort. Anybody want it?"

"Ooh! Puppy!" Brittany squealed, taking the Pekingese into her arms. She took a moment to figure out which side was the front and started to cradle the puppy like a baby.

"Okay, Santana, would you like to explain your outfit?" Will stated, eager to change the subject.

Santana's outfit consisted of torn-up jeans, a mesh tank over a white sports bra, studded leather bracelets, and dozens of chains. "I'm a delinquent," she announced proudly, almost with joy. She whipped out a switchblade.

Wide-eyed, Will noted, "Santana, you know I can't let you keep that, right?"

Santana scowled, but closed the knife and tossed it to her teacher. "Alright, but if anyone asks, I was uncooperative and surly."

"You're still surly."

"Thanks," Santana replied appreciatively.

"Brittany, um, what clique are you part of?"

Brittany wore what appeared to be a female tuxedo: a black sports coat with tails over a black vest with nothing underneath, a pair of black legless shorts, fishnet stockings, and a bowler hat.

"I didn't know what a 'clique' was so I just dressed like a tap dancer, because they make clicking noises." She immediately stood up, laying the puppy in a unwilling Santana's lap, and performed a short tap dance.

"Wow, I didn't know you could do that."

"Me, neither," she replied simply. She looked over to see her new dog poised in Santana's lap, the two of them exchanging matching unamused frowns.

"I, for one, love your new look, Brittany," Rachel declared, "you're channeling a young Liza Minelli in the 1972 film _Cabaret_, which I hope you all realize is based on the classic Broadway hit."

Brittany replied, "Is she the one who invented spaghetti or the one who's married to Oprah?"

Artie asked, "How has she not been slushied?"

Depositing her unwanted seatmate in Brittany's lap, Santana replied to the question, her hand bringing attention to her clothes, "She been walkin' 'round with me all days, lookin' like dis."

"Hot?" Puck offered.

In unison, Quinn and Santana both punched Puck on opposite arms.

"Hey, ladies, those are like my favorite muscles."

"I beg to differ," Quinn dryly commented.

Puck just shrugged like he couldn't disagree.

Will prompted, "So, that explains the Cheerios. Why are you football players not in your varsity jackets?"

"The season's been cancelled," Finn explained, "something went wrong when they reseeded the field."

: : :

Darren, the proprietor of Verdant Dreams, had his truck parked on the football field, spraying seed in every direction while listening to "Light My Fire" by the Doors.

In the bed of his truck are the seed backs. They're labeled "Kudzu."

: : :

"They tried to just trim it down," Puck explained, "but they ran into a bunch of Africanized bee hives, so they had to abandon the project. I think Coach Bieste said she was going to deal with the problem on her own, but until then, no football."

"Did you join new cliques, too?"

"I'm a rocker!" Finn proclaimed, leaping from his chair and holding out what he apparently thought was the fist of rock. Rachel put on a Stepford smile.

"Yeah, he just borrowed some of my weekend clothes," Puck notes, adding, "They don't fit."

The Metallica shirt Finn was wearing was intentionally ripped at the bottom, though it rode up higher on his midriff than it was meant to. "My mom usually gets all my clothes at the Humongo and Unwieldy. It's this discount Big and Tall store. But when she and Kurt's dad get married, we'll be sharing Kurt's clothing allowance, so I can get some nicer stuff from like... Kohl's."

Kurt's eyes widened and he gasped. He turned to Mercedes and related, full of despair, "It's like I don't even find him attractive anymore." Mercedes took him in her arms and patted him on the back.

When Finn sat down again, his pants audibly ripped. He tried to save face by waving his hands in front of his face, claiming, "Yeah, that was me. Sorry."

Casually, Rachel pulled one of Finn's windbreakers from her backpack and handed it to him.

"I'm not cold," he whispered.

"Tie it around your waist," she instructed under the breath

"I'll look gay."

"You're wearing _Spongebob_ boxers," Rachel snapped through clenched teeth.

"Mike," Will called, saving Finn from further embarrassment, "Tell us about your look."

Mike was wearing baggy jeans, high-top sneakers, a white muscle shirt, and a brightly-colored jacket, with dog tags around his neck and a baseball cap seated on his head at an odd angle.

"I'm trying out the hip-hop look, Mr. S. Unfortunately, since we live in Lima, Ohio, I could only find the stuff for posers. So, now, I'm an Asian guy who looks like a white guy who's trying to look like a black guy."

"I think you look cool," Tina remarked, hanging on him.

Artie looked downtrodden as he watched the couple. Puck noticed this and brought attention to his own look: a white button-up shirt with a skinny tie, skinny jeans, and black dress shoes. "I joined the jazz band." He and Artie fist-bump. He remarked, "I kinda feel like I look like a hipster, though."

"Whoa, dude, don't be sayin' stuff like that during practice," Artie warned, "and just 'cuz you gots a fedora, don't be wearin' it about all askew on your noggin."

Will sat back for a moment, surveying the room and said, "You know, it's the start of a school year. Time for a fresh start. Your assignment for the week is..."

His speech was cut off by Kurt, whose hand conspicuously shot up.

"Kurt?"

"'…To choose a song that is outside our normal musical repertoire in an effort to expand our range'?"

Will paused, and then admitted, "Yeah, exactly."

Rachel jumped in, "I, for one, _relish_ this opportunity to expand my wheelhouse, which I must say is already _quite_ diverse in both tone and musical genre." Everyone in the room with the exception of Finn and Brittany rolled their eyes; this included Will, though Rachel did not seem to notice as she was flashing an imaginary audience a toothy grin.

Kurt raised his hand again.

"Yes, Kurt."

"Mr. Schue, I, too, am on the Cheerios, but you did not ask me about my change in style."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Kurt," Will apologized, "I didn't notice anything particularly... How about you just tell us what you've done?"

Kurt did not seem any less fashionably dressed than normal. Regardless, he remarked, "Having spent the summer with Mrs. Hudson, I discovered something about myself. The strong feminine side of my personality is not in actuality a desire to be more like a woman, but rather a kinship to the better sex. Because of this life-changing revelation, I have switched out all my pastels for earth tones." He showed off that his clothes, while no less high-fashion, were a mix of greens, yellows, and browns.

"Excellent, but that has nothing to do with the Cheerios being disbanded."

"Oh, yeah, I also joined the Boy Scouts."

Will raised his eyes, "Oh, how's that working out for you?"

"It's not. What those boys have done to khaki is just an abomination. I'm thinking of switching to the _artiste_ group, but they're notorious hard to break into. I do dabble in pencil sketches. Would anyone be willing to model for me?"

"I won't have to take off my clothes, will I?" Finn asked.

"Oh, thank you, Finn, I've got plenty of you in my _Slumber_ series." He looked over to Puck, who leaned away.

"Okay, guys, I think we've wasted enough time on this. I got the DVD from Regionals. I want to review it so that we can make improvements." Will put the DVD in and it started to play.

Brittany turned to Santana and whispered, "I feel a disturbance in the Force."

"Your dog's peeing on your tap shoes," Santana whispered back.

* * *

A/N: Well, that was fun. I think this is going to be part of a three-chapter series. Until then.


	2. The World Turned Upside Down

The Feast of Fools: Chapter 2  
by Creedog VanDrey

Category: _Glee_  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: T  
Language: English  
Summary: McKinley High is now in a state of flux  
Spoilers: Takes place at the beginning of Season 2. Nothing you haven't seen in the promos.

A/N: Just like the real _Glee_, there's a razor-thin edge of silliness between dull and ridiculous. Let me know how I'm skating that line.

* * *

Chapter 2: "The World Turned Upside Down"

When Will walked through the parking lot, he couldn't help but notice something was off. Two scrawny students were standing face-to-face at the dumpster, arguing. One was wearing jeans and a video game-themed graphic tee-shirt. The other was dressed in slacks and a polo shirt, a chess board sticking out of his backpack.

"_No_," the video game nerd pressed, "_I_ get to throw _you_ in the dumpster."

"_Wrong_," the chess nerd insisted, "Chess club overtook you guys yesterday after seventh period."

Snottily, the first nerd argued, "Then why did Lauren Zizes just lock two mathletes in the boiler room?"

"Because," the other sneered, "Zizes is in A/V club, and that club jumped a whole stratum during lunch yesterday. And we both know all competitive academic clubs have been in a freefall since Tuesday."

Simultaneously, the two nerds' mobile phones buzzed.

"Alright, throw me in," the chess nerd surrendered.

"Heck no," the other refused, "I'm not falling for that. The LARPers just became enforcers for the bottom caste. They carry _swords_. I'm not breaking the rules; you throw _me_ in that dumpster."

Will just moved on, perplexed, but encountered two jocks in front of the school. Karofsky stood with a slushy cup in his hand with Azimio on his knees before him. He pleaded like a man at the chopping block, "Karofsky, you can't do this to me, buddy. You have to protect me!"

Karofsky stood defiant, his face wracked with guilt. "I'm sorry, Zee, the hockey team's got a real chance at taking the top dog spot. If I show mercy to ex-football players, the baseball team will overtake us. The _softball_ team might overtake us."

"I'll join hockey," Azimio replied in desperation.

"I think we both know why _that_'s impossible. Stand up, brother, I'm not doing this to a man on his knees."

Tears falling down his face, Azimio got up off his knees and faced Karofsky, looking him in the eyes.

Karofsky's arm thrust forward, the cherry-colored beverage splashing against Azimio's chest, splattering on his face. Karofsky gasped and turned his head away. Azimio touched his chest, red liquid dripping off his hands. "_Et tu_, Karofské."

Choked up, the hockey player admitted, "I don't understand that reference."

"Me neither," Azimio noted before kneeling on the ground in shame.

Karofsky strode off, dropping the cup, flinching at the sound of plastic hitting the asphalt.

Will, upon entering the school, made a bee-line to the counseling office. He opened the door and stuck his head in. "Emma, what's going on here?"

While her clothing was wrinkle-free, her hair perfectly styled, and her make-up flawless, the terror on Emma's face was apparent. "It's the social hierarchy, Will, it's in flux. Without football players or cheerleaders, it's like a hydra. You cut off one head and three more grow back in its place. Until a new order is established, it's chaos. I'm thinking about locking my door. I can't have any _students_ coming in here with their messes."

"Emma, it wasn't this bad yesterday."

"Well, it seemed like the drama club had enacted a _coup d'état_, giving the school some stability, but it turns out they were just method acting to practice for _Evita_. Ché broke character and the whole thing just collapsed like a house of cards."

"How do the kids even know how they rank? Is it like instinct? Some teenage sixth sense?"

"Are you kidding me, Will? It's the twenty-first century; they're using Twitter. There's a mysterious tweeter by the name of TheSource who makes hourly declarations about what clique is falling or rising. I've tried talking to Figgins about shutting him down, but he's afraid that if he interferes, TheSource will declare he's no longer the most powerful faculty member."

"He's _not_ the most powerful faculty member."

"Don't be naïve, Will. After the last election, the school board is just a group of puppets for the local soft drink distributors."

"I was talking about Sue."

"Oh, that makes sense." Emma added, "We don't need to track down TheSource. He's taken over the faculty lounge as his base of operations. Figgins is convinced that his office will be next if he tries to exert authority."

Will turned his head to watch the students walk by. He noticed that many stop dead in their tracks when faced with other students, circling around each other as if they were wild predatory animals.

As Santana walked by, Will noticed something and raced out to catch her. He put his hand on her shoulder, grabbed her by the wrist, and pulled off a set of brass knuckles from her fingers. "Where did you even get these, Santana?"

Santana replied immediately, "I bought a bunch of men's rings at the pawn shop and super-glued them together." Will put on his disappointed face. "Can I go now, Mr. Schue? Brittany came dressed as a Disney princess and I've got to play interference. See you in Spanish." Without waiting for an answer, she walked off.

Will remarked to Emma, who'd reluctantly joined him in the hallway. "Brittany's in my Spanish class, but Santana isn't. Her mom is Puerto Rican and doesn't want her to learn 'Mexican' Spanish."

As the pair continued to observe the passing students, they were approached by Quinn, who was now wearing a provocative, slinky cocktail dress with lots of gaudy jewelry and giant sunglasses.

"Uh, Quinn, what happened to your prep look? I don't think I like the change," remarked Will.

"It turns out 'preppy' is so 2002, so I had to upgrade to 'heiress'." She shifted uncomfortably in the dress, especially the plunging neckline. "Anyway, just to let you know, apparently this look screams daddy issues, so there's a rumor going around that I'm having an affair with a teacher. I tried to squash it, but denial's not working." She sheepishly added, "I had to make the best of a bad situation, so I'm kind of propagating the idea that the affair's with you, Mr. Schue."

"Quinn," Will objected.

"I'm really sorry. It was either you or Mrs. Costa the lacrosse coach. I promise; this whole thing will blow over in like three days." Seeing passing students, she laid a noisy peck of a kiss on Will's cheek, added another sheepish "sorry", and scuttled off.

"Will, you could get fired," Emma warned.

"I know. Luckily, Figgins has probably got his hands full."

Outside his office, Figgins was bowing down to his secretary, who was calmly attempting to tell him that it was unnecessary.

Down the hallway, Puck and Artie stood side-by-side, perfectly mirrored, their arms crossed nonchalantly as they leaned against the lockers, or sat with his wheelchair backed against the lockers in Artie's case.

"So, what are we doing again?"

"Shh, wait for it."

Two girls stopped in front of the pair and shyly approached them. One was a tall, shapely girl of Italian descent, the other a short but cute redhead with glasses. They were both dressed in kimonos.

"Hi, guys," the taller of the two greeted. "Jenny and I were just wondering if you'd like to go to the drive-in movie theater on Friday."

"Sure," Puck noted calmly, flashing a cool smile.

"Okay!" the bolder girl exclaimed too loudly, before both ran off giggling.

"Whoa," Artie remarked, "that was amazing. Brenda Gallo and Jenny Fitzpatrick just talked to me. They're freshman JV pom girls. I've never gotten a girl that high up to talk to me."

"Things are changing, my friend," Puck noted, grabbing Artie a fist bump.

Meanwhile, Mike and Tina walked by on the other side of the hall. Tina was being trailed by two girls and a guy, all wearing goth clothing. Mike and Tina would occasionally stop, and so would the trio, keeping their five-stride distance. When the couple started walking again, the goths would continue their pursuit.

Tina finally turned around to confront them, "Can I help you?"

"Well, we're totally going for the goth look like you. How do we look?"

Tina went down the line, "You, _Vampire Diaries_ is not an appropriate inspiration. You can't just wear dark colors." To the next, she instructed, "Lose the fingerless gloves, that's punk; you want lace elbow sleeves with holes. Last but not least, that vial of blood on your neck? Obviously Kool-Aid. Blood's darker; try strawberry syrup."

Mike and Tina walked off, leaving the trio behind.

Tina remarked, "I think I recognized those two girls as JV Cheerios, but the guy looked too scrawny to be on the football team."

"That's Petty. He was our third-string kicker. Tanaka cut him last year. No idea what he's doing."

They passed by Finn and Rachel, who were walking side-by-side, wearing a white tuxedo and a poofy evening gown. Both of their hairstyles were meticulously set. "So, explain our look again," Finn requested.

"I'm Amber Von Tussle and you're Link Larkin from the famous Broadway musical _Hairspray_."

"Is that, like, based on _Hair_?"

"No," Rachel curtly answered, "why are you having trouble remembering all this?"

"We went through a _lot_ of costume ideas yesterday."

: : :

Finn and Rachel came out of the dressing rooms wearing costumes from _Sweet Charity._ "No," Rachel remarked.

They came out in costumes from _A Chorus Line_. "No," Finn remarked.

They came out in costumes from _Rent_. "No," Rachel remarked.

They came out in costumes from _Godspell_. "No," Finn remarked.

They came out in costumes from _Sweeney Todd_. "No," Rachel remarked.

They came out in costumes from _Mamma Mia!_ "No," Finn remarked.

They came out in costumes from _The Little Mermaid_. "No," they remarked in unison.

: : :

"They kicked us out of the mall," Finn continued, "they may not let me back in there. And that clown shop is the only place that has those socks I like."

Rachel just sighed.

"Why are we both changing our looks? I'm the one of the football team."

"I'm about as likely to turn down an opportunity for a makeover as Kurt and Mercedes."

At that very moment, Rachel and Finn passed the mentioned pair, who were dressed like they'd raided the Goodwill center, making them either über-chic or fashion-ironic. The two couples exchanged pleasantries and went on their way. Mercedes went back to staring disapprovingly at Kurt's bleached and slicked-back hairdo.

"Mercedes, I know what you're thinking, and if you dare make one comment that even _hints_ at me looking like Perez Hilton, I will have no choice to irrevocably terminate our friendship. This is a very common look among gay men in the Silver Lake neighborhood of Los Angeles. "

"Boo, you know you can rock any look you want, but I'm just concerned about the damage to your hair."

"Oh, Sweetie, don't worry about me," he replied, "I've got a whole restorative plan already set up for when this whole thing blows over. May I remind you of the incident in eighth grade when someone tried to use kerosene to straighten their hair?"

"Forget I ever doubted you. So," she commented, pulling out a notepad, "Santana's promising us her slushy retaliation services in exchange for reporting of various petty crimes attributed to her. In other news, I'm going to trump up a couple of incidents on Azimio's record. How is love connection column going?"

"It's so much harder than it looks. I mean, in this day and age, how controversial is a lesbian couple on the pom squad? Or some varsity cheerleader servicing the entire football team? I had to get creative. So far, I've got a love triangle between Ferrero, Ogden, and Bettis on the JV cheer squad. It's very _L Word_."

Mercedes thought that over, "I don't think it's gonna fly. Which one is the hypotenuse?"

"I said Ferrero, but none was a good pick."

Thoughtfully, Mercedes agreed, "She's still the best choice. How you gonna explain away her public tryst with Patrick Lu last week?"

"By claiming he's a closet case, but I'm gonna bury that in the fifth paragraph. Also, I'm claiming Karofsky and Terry's fight last week was over Quinn."

"Oh, yeah, she told me you were gonna run the story that she's having an affair with Mr. Schue. Tell me it ain't true, Boo!"

"I've got to, Mercedes. If I don't, I'll have to run a story about Coach Costa and the captain of the lacrosse team just to take the heat off of Quinn. Frankly, that's not scandalous enough. Also, Costa and Donna Thompkins? Might be true, and there's no room for truth in our blog. Plus, I've got Costa for P.E. and she is on this soccer kick and I cannot have my skins all scratched up before chino season. I'm running out of excuses to sit out."

"Alright, I'll do my best to take the scrutiny off Mr. Schue. I'll make up a gambling addition story for Miss Castle."

At that point, Jacob Ben Israel angrily approached the duo. "My sources tell me that they're _your_ sources, too. You're infringing on my territory. Journalism club has first right to gossip. Your little blog is going to split my hit count. If I fall below 100 a day, Mr. Hymen is going to pull my domain funding."

Kurt and Mercedes exchanged looks, "Jacob, you do realize that with the entire school social structure in flux, you can actually choose a new niche."

Jacob paused for a moment, "Wait, I hear Puckerman took Abrams under his wing. That means…" he squealed with delight. He grasped both Kurt and Mercedes in a hug and ran off.

Kurt wiped the invisible filth off his body. "I need a shower really bad now, but I've got a pre-calc test next period."

"I can run a huffing story about Mr. Faulkner. That'll put it off three days."

"I owe you one," Kurt remarked.

Mercedes called out, "In that case, run a piece saying Laney Whitehead is cheating on Rajesh Srinivasan and we're even. That boy is fine and I think I've got a chance with him once that bitch is out of the way. I mean, it _is_ the soccer team."

They nodded to each other and made their way to the lockers rooms, passing by the counseling office.

Emma noticed a blond man in a pinstripe suit and briefcase walking by her office, so she leapt up to confront him. "Excuse me, sir, but this is a public school. Did you check in with the office?"

"Miss Pillsbury?" Sam Evans remarked. In addition to the suit, he'd slicked his hair back.

"Oh, hello, Sam," Emma blushed, "you look very sharp today. I mean that in a totally non-sexual way, of course. I mean… I mean…"

"Miss Pillsbury?"

"Why-why don't you sit down for a minute?"

Sam just nodded and complied.

"Can I ask why you're dressed up today?"

"I joined the Pre-Pre-Law Society. It seemed like a good start."

"Oh, I see. Excellent. Good club. That club involves a lot of reading. Doesn't your dyslexia make it problematic?"

"Well, it would, but my only client is Brittany Pierce."

"Excuse me, client?"

"We practice dealing with student 'clients.' Mock trials. Legal documents. Etcetera." Sam spied something outside the window. "Actually, will you excuse me, ma'am? That's actually part of my first case."

"Oh, okay," Emma replied, mouthing "ma'am" to herself as he left.

"Miss Lopez!" Sam cried to Santana as she wandered down the hall.

Santana turned back and looked Sam up and down. "Mister… New Kid."

"Samuel Evans, PPL Club."

"Yeah, your name makes you sound like a nineteenth century American novelist."

"Yeah, you're right. Anyway, I've got a custody contract that I've been asked for you to sign." He handed her a sheet of paper.

"This is a marker drawing. By my friend Brittany. Of me holding her mongrel."

"She would like to make you legal guardian of Merry Cherry."

"Who?"

"A purebred Pekingese, eight months old…"

"Her dog, I got it. It's a female?"

"She's taking it to the vet after school. She thought it would violate her pet's privacy to check herself."

"How does she think the vet is going to figure it out?"

"I don't know."

"Mm-hmm."

He pulled out another sheet of paper. "If it's a male, I've got a legal name change form. He'll be called, 'Hairy Cherry.'"

Santana broke into a fit of giggles. "…and she wants us to play house with her little doggie. I'm gonna kill whoever got her _Heather Has Two Mommies_."

"Actually, she's appointing you guardian in the event that she becomes incapable of taking care of the dog."

"Pass."

"Understand that you'd be sentencing the dog to a life in the pound. Which would make my client _very sad_."

Santana glared at Sam, "You're gonna make a really good lawyer. Can I borrow a pen?"

Sam pulled an expensive-looking ballpoint from his jacket pocket and handed it to Santana, who signed the "contract" and slipped the pen in her pocket.

"That's actually my pen."

"Yeah, and if anyone asks, I mugged you. I'd actually take your wallet, too, but I hear you took Hudson's place as QB, and I don't want to burn that bridge. Listen, I've got to go pick up Brittany at from her Remedial Study Skills class."

"I'll walk with you. I've got a reading tutor session in that room next period. And I'll kill two birds with one stone and drop off these forms."

"Great," Santana replied without an ounce of excitement. After about ten seconds, she asked, "I've got to ask: collagen? We might have the same plastic surgeon."

"What?"

"Forget it."

During lunch, Mike and Tina were eating together. Tina had changed clothes and was now wearing an outfit to match Mike's hip-hop gear. They noticed the threesome from before had also switched to outfits resembling theirs.

"Okay, I had these in my locker because I wanted to support you. Did they go home?"

Artie sat at a table with Puck, looking a little worried. "You know, it's not like I don't like all this attention, but I've already set up eleven dates for the next week. I'm going to have trouble remembering all this."

Puck eyes scanned the cafeteria before reaching into his backpack and pulling out a 3-ring binder, labeled mysteriously, "The Game." "This, my friend," he remarked, "is the collection all knowledge that the Puckster has accumulated about the dating game." He slid it over to Artie, who began to leaf through it. "Near the back, you'll find a couple of templates. It helps you keep track of your social calendar, stuff about your dates—"

"It kind of looks like a character sheet for role-playing games," Artie commented.

"That's a complete coincidence," Puck remarked too quickly, "there's also plenty of tip for keeping track of your multiple relationships, emergency procedures: forgotten name, crawling in and out of windows—" Artie looked up. Puck continued, "—you can skip that section. Girl juggling isn't easy, but you've a got tutor."

Artie flipped to the front. "Why is there a foreword by Brittany? And a whole section co-authored by Santana."

"Read them. Good stuff. Don't think to hard about the source."

On table away, Brittany, Sam, and Santana were seated together. Merry Cherry was sitting on the table, eating the meat out of Brittany's hamburger. Brittany was conspicuously clad in a full-length, off-the-shoulder, cerise-pink ball gown and a gold tiara, looking very much like Princess Aurora.

Santana checked her phone. "Awesome, Mercedes ran a story claiming I stole Mr. St. Pierre's Civic and drove it into a lake."

Brittany covered Merry Cherry's ears, "Merry Cheery, don't listen to your Mama Santana. Stealing cars is _bad_."

"Britt, I thought we agreed that I was Cool Aunt Santana. It's in our contract." She grabbed Sam's satchel, pulled out the 'contract' and pointed something out. She looked at the sheet of paper again, before commented, "Wait a second. Why am I an emergency contact? This was not in the original. I love you, Sweetie, but you'll be hearing from my lawyer." She turned to Sam, "You're hired."

"You do realize that it's a conflict of interest?"

Santana glared at him for a while. "Seriously?" she muttered in an "Are you kidding me?" tone of voice.

Brittany went back to playing with her dog. Sam finally commented, "I'm not getting my satchel back, am I? My trig homework was in there."

"That's thug life for ya," Santana replied.

: : :

At 3:30 PM sharp, Will walked into the choir room, and it seemed like his entire club was in costume.

"So, who has something prepared for us?"

Unsurprisingly, Rachel's hand shot up first. Will noticed that she was no longer wearing the _Hairspray_-inspired outfit from earlier and now wore a simple white robe with her hair pulled back into a loose ponytail.

"So, I was looking through my iPods and I had exhausted almost every genre I could think of: musical theater, pop, rock, rap, R&B, country-western, folk, classical. That's when I realized what I was missing: language."

"Rachel, I really don't think an explicit song is what we're looking for…"

"No, Mr. Schue, not foul language. Foreign language. All my songs were in English, minus a slathering of Latin from the talented Mr. Groban and some Gaelic from that Enya faze I went through in seventh grade. I realized the direction I needed to branch out into."

"Oh," Mr. Schuester smiled, "perhaps something in Spanish to honor your favorite teacher?"

Rachel bowed her head, "I was actually looking for something a little more exotic. So I chose a song from the classic Bollywood film _Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge_. It is called_, _'Mere Khwabon Mein,'" she announced, taking special care to pronounce the Hindi words.

A small band began playing a rather modern-sounding song, though the sitar gave it a distinctive Indian feel.

Rachel began singing, in Hindi, rendering the meaning of the song completely incomprehensible to the class. However, the dance that accompanied it was anything but ambiguous. Her performance was not unlike that of an exotic dancer. She fanned out the sides of her trench coat in tempo, before altogether removing it after the first verse, revealing a white two-piece outfit consisting of a midriff-revealing blouse and a knee-length skirt.

The boys, excluding Kurt, leaned forward in their seats. Brittany did, too, earning her a glare from Santana. The blond Cheerio seemed not to notice, and began dancing in her seat. Quinn was too angry to glare at Puck's leering and Tina too absorbed in the performance to notice Mike's rapt attention. Halfway through the song, Rachel was on her knees thrusting her chest out while the bassist started spraying her with spray bottle full of water.

After the song, Rachel breathily thanked her audience and took a seat beside an equally breathy Finn. Only Tina and Brittany clapped, as the rest were either too stunned or too appalled to do likewise. Rachel asked the female sitar playing, a girl of Indian descent, "How was my pronunciation?"

"Don't know. My parents are Urdu and I don't even speak that," she replied.

"Thank you," Rachel said in response.

An uncomfortable-looking Will, in between taking peeks out of the classroom door window, asked for volunteers again. Brittany remarked that she had something to show off. Finn got up with her. "We worked on this together," he explained.

Merry Cherry was placed into Santana's lap. Santana began to rub the dog's belly mindlessly. Brittany pulled out a stack of paper, and started to not sing but recite in a flawless British accent:

"No, not a whit: I find you passing gentle.  
'Twas told me you were rough and coy and sullen,  
And now I find report a very liar;  
For thou are pleasant, gamesome, passing courteous,  
But slow in speech, yet sweet as spring-time flowers:  
Thou canst not frown, thou canst not look askance,  
Nor bite the lip, as angry wenches will,  
Nor hast thou pleasure to be cross in talk,  
But thou with mildness entertain'st thy wooers,  
With gentle conference, soft and affable.  
Why does the world report that Kate doth limp?  
O slanderous world! Kate like the hazel-twig  
Is straight and slender and as brown in hue  
As hazel nuts and sweeter than the kernels.  
O, let me see thee walk: thou dost not halt."

Finn replied, his accent atrocious:

"Well, do not swear: although I joy in thee,  
I have no joy of this contract to-night:  
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;  
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be  
Ere one can say 'It lightens.' Sweet, good night!  
This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,  
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.  
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest  
Come to thy heart as that within my breast!"

He stopped after this, seemingly confused by what he's just said.

Brittany began anew. "Did ever Dian so become a grove…"

"What are they doing?" Rachel whispered to Santana.

"I have no idea. She said she was going to a Taylor Swift song." Santana looked down, "And for God's sake, Berry, why are you _holding_ my hand?" She yanked her hand away from Rachel's desperate clutch.

Rachel surveyed the ongoing performance again. "I don't mean to put Brittany now," Rachel tread carefully, "but she usually… has trouble reading out loud in Lit. How is she…?"

"Your insolence will be repaid a hundredfold," Santana bit back. After a long pause, she explained, "Brittany's an excellent mimic. She probably listened to the play on tape a couple of times."

Will, realizing that Brittany and Finn were both holding a rather thick stack of papers prevented them from continuing, "I think we all understand the point." Brittany looked down at her script with an unsure wrinkle of her brow. "Thank you very much for that."

"Mr. Schue, I'm ready," Puck announced as Finn and Brittany took their seats in the front row.

"So, for my song, I wanted to kick it country style, something that I've always considered very lame. So, I went to find some Jewish country singers. Turns out there's like two of them. I'm not gonna lie, I kind of like Ray Benson's songs more, but I couldn't not sing something by the guy who has the balls to go by the name Kinky, so… here it goes. It's called 'Highway Café.'"

The violin player of the school's orchestra walked up to stand by Puck, playing a squeaky, deep-country melody.

"She was only a waitress in a highway café / Poured coffee from dusk until dawn / But she's heart-broken 24 hours a day / For she longed for her trucker who'd gone…"

Before the chorus, Artie was nauseated. Kurt was debating whether he could suffocate himself with his ascot. Santana was fixated with a glare that was moments from setting Puck's guitar, or Puck himself, on fire. Brittany was the only one smiling, though there was a tear in her eye.

"Thank you, Puck, that was…" Will pretended for a moment to be thinking of a word, but then called on Kurt. "Kurt, you have something for us?"

"It's actually quite fascinating that I never chose this genre to express my anger at the world in this way, as it is quite fitting. So, without further ado…"

Puck, Artie, and Finn got up and began playing a heavy metal melody.

Kurt screamed into a microphone, "Seek him here / Seek him on the highway / Never knowing when hell appear / All await, engines ticking over / Hear the roar as they sense the fear…"

Kurt began to dance, jumping and stomping the ground, as if he were in a mosh pit by himself.

"Wheels! a glint of steel and a flash of light! / Screams! / from a streak of fire as he strikes! / Hell bent, hell bent for leather / Hell bent, hell bent for leather…"

Kurt suddenly stopped, waving off his band. Struggling to catch his breath and massing his temple, he admitted, "I think that's good for now. Don't you?"

Will and the rest of the club, pretty much in unison, heartily agreed, halfway masking their sentiments with vague compliments.

Almost seeming to regret the question, he asks if anyone else has something prepared. Artie's offer to do a Justin Bieber song was shot down immediately.

"You even prepare anything?" Puck asked.

"Nope," Artie replied, fist-bumping Puck.

"Okay, guys," Will said, seeming rather tired, "I think that was a good exercise and… No assignment this week. Of course, if anyone has suggestions for Sectionals, I'll take them." After a pause, "And, yes, Rachel, I did get your e-mail with the attached… ten-page file. I'll let you know when I get through it."

Brittany tapped Santana on the shoulder.

Santana was beaming at the dog lying in her lap, its tongue hanging out. "Yes?" she responded, not looking up.

Brittany plainly commented, "Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble."

"You bet." The dog became fidgety. "Okay, Mommy, looks like somebody needs to go to the potty." She hands the dog over.

Brittany continued as she snapped on her dog's leash, "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Open, locks, whoever knocks."

* * *

A/N: My worst fear is that this chapter really paled in comparison to the first; it was silly but kind of spastic. Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and resolve this in the next chapter. There's nothing more to mine out of this idea that won't come off as serial.

I kind of added a lot of amusing references, especially in the final scene, so I'd love to see who caught the subtle jokes.

Oh, and after seeing the promo for "Never Been Kissed", I'd like to ask who called the Partie friendship of coolness?


	3. All Good Things

Feats of Fools: Chapter 3  
by Creedog VanDrey

Category: _Glee_  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: K+  
Language: English  
Summary: The Feast of Fools comes to an end

A/N: I'm going to end this series now, since I'm pretty sure my muse/crack dealer is going to cut me off soon. No worries, I have a sequel in the works.

* * *

Chapter 3: "All Good Things"

_This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius  
The Age of Aquarius  
Aquarius! Aquarius!_

Tina sang with Mercedes, Kurt, Quinn, and Brittany backing her up. Merry Cherry, cuddled in Brittany's arms, also barked along with the song. They were standing in the hallways outside the Spanish Room. Usually an impromptu song would earn them a slushie facial, but today, most of the students walked past, a few bouncing along, a few even risking a sideways glance and a smile.

Their outfits, as they had for the past week, made them a sight to beyond.

Tina wore a full length black gown with long sleeves and blood-red gloves. Mike had commented to her earlier that morning that she looked like Morticia Addams and meant it as a compliment. She replied that she was trying out a new look: "fancy goth." Since the dress was low-cut, her boyfriend hadn't made contact with her throughout the conversation. She didn't complain.

Kurt wore tight chartreuse sweatpants under an olive green tunic, accented with a thick brown belt and archer's hat complete with feather. Mercedes wore a white tuxedo shirt, a crimson overcoat, charcoal gray capris, white knee socks with black Mary Janes, topped off with a large violet beret. They had been proud of their ensembles until Brittany remarked that she loved their Peter Pan and Captain Hook costumes.

Brittany meanwhile had come dressed as Bubbles from _The Powerpuff Girls_. The effect was not as juvenile as she probably thought it was, since her costume consisted of an azure minidress (sleeveless, stopping perilously high on the thigh, and cut just below the collarbone), a black belt accentuating her hips, full-length white stockings, black pumps, and her hair into two schoolgirl-style pigtails. She dressed up Merry Cherry too… as a bubble.

Meanwhile, down the hall, Artie was singing Kirk Franklin's "Revolution" while Puck, Santana, and Mike backed him up while dancing down the hallways.

_Oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh  
Do you want a revolution?  
Whoo! Whoo!  
I said, do you want a revolution?  
Whoo! Whoo!  
Come on! _

After the song, Puck asked Artie, "So explain this costume to me again. I'm Dr. Who?"

Artie sighed with aggravation, "Okay, one more time. The _show_ is called _Doctor Who_. It's a British sci-fi TV series. The character's name is 'The Doctor.'"

"Just 'the Doctor.' Dr. _who_? Oh, I get it now. Clever. I don't look like a doctor." Puck examined his wardrobe again: black leather jacket, tight blue-gray V-neck sweater, and black trousers. "I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering about this courting the nerd vote." He winked a passing girl who slowed to cast an appreciative glance at his attire.

"Wake up, Puck, it's the year of geek. The nerds on TV are _sexy_." Artie was dressed in a brown button-on, tan chinos, tall brown cowboy boots, suspenders, and an empty holster. He called it "Mal" from something called "Firefly", which didn't sound very science fiction-y to Puck, and looked like of more cowboy than anything. As long as he didn't dress in Star Trek pajamas.

Santana of all people backed him up. "He's not lying. There wasn't an actor in that new _Star Trek_ movie that I did not want to tap."

"Even Zoë Saldaña?" Puck teased.

"You bet," Santana replied, undeterred. She was again dressed as a delinquent: an acid green tank top paired with a black bustier, black lace-up, thigh-high boots, fingerless gloves, and studded bracelets. If she was wearing bottoms, there was no way to tell, as the tank extended to her upper thighs, and nothing could be seen below. In an attempt to make her look more daring, tattoos now stretched across her body: kohl around her eyes, thorny vines snaking around her cheeks and neck, black tribal tattoos around her arms, a long-stemmed rose on one forearm, a panther and claw marks on the other, a Christian cross on her lower back, angel wings on one thigh, a devil's tail wrapped around the other, and an elaborate background of candy-colorful vines that seemed to travel the expanse of her body, extending under her clothes.

"By the way," she noted, "I noticed your holsters are empty. Here." She pulled a pistol from the back of her bustier and handed it to Artie, who looked at it wide-eyed.

"Santana, I don't want to carry a gun around at school! How did you even get this in here?"

"It's just one of my little brother's toys. There's a five-day waiting list to buy a firearm in Ohio," she noted ruefully, as if it were obvious.

"Plus, Mal uses a revolver."

Santana shrugged, took back the pistol, which she tossed into her backpack, and pulled out a revolver. "Careful, this one's real, but it's not loaded."

Artie fumbled with the gun, causing it to discharge. Mike jumped.

"Okay, it _may_ have had one blank it in," she apologized.

Mike had switched out his hip-hop look for a new type of dance: a pair of skinny-cut slacks and a bright red-and-orange patterned silk shirt with a red-banded black Panama hat completed his salsa look. He'd been grooving down the hallways all morning, a little bit saddened by how the restrictiveness of Tina's dress had prevented them from having an impromptu partners' dance in the middle of the school.

: : :

Emma was warily roaming the hallways. "Miss Pillsbury!" a voice called, nearly causing Emma to jump out of her skin. She spun around, happy to find out it was Quinn Fabray, who was dressed much more appropriately than yesterday: a pink-and-white tennis outfit consisting of a form-fitting tank and a pleated skirt, with her hair pulled back into a ponytail with a red bow.

"Oh, Quinn, there you are! I like the new look. Much better than the Paris Hilton thing you had happening yesterday. Tennis player?"

"Yeah, it's part of the evolution of my style. I've moved up to trophy wife. It's my country club getup."

"Oh, that's nice."

"Yeah, easy to put together, too. Just raided my mom's closet. Which is something I will never do again without asking. A woman's closet should be a secure place." She started to nod slowly and continuously, her mind elsewhere.

"Do you by chance need to talk to me today?"

"Yeah, how's fifth period?" Quinn answered immediately.

"So… trophy wife… who's the lucky husband?"

Quinn was quiet and smiled sheepishly.

"Oh!" Emma noted with realization. "Oh," she added with disappointment. "Oh," she finished with disapproval.

"It's magic, you know," Quinn sang, grinning, "Anyway, maybe a rain check on that visit? I can talk to another teacher about this. Not Mr. Schue," she pointed out quickly. "Toodles!" And with that, she strode off quickly.

She passed by Finn and Rachel with a brief perturbed look at their outfits before passing on.

"I don't think she liked them," Finn remarked, wearing 1960s-style military fatigues, "I'm kind of afraid they might be a tad offensive."

"Why? We live in a post-isolationist world," Rachel remarked, wearing Vietnamese robes, "where all cultures should feel free to embrace the traditional attire of any place in the global community. Plus, I happen to feel a strong connection to Lea Salonga. Should I have chosen _The Diary of Anne Frank_ instead? You'd look dashing as an SS officer." Her tone was sarcastic.

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to look up what that means. You say it like it's a Nazi or something."

: : :

There was an assembly before lunch.

With the exception of the members of New Directions, who sat together, and a few clouds of imitators hovering around certain members, the auditorium was starkly divided, with cliques of similarly dressed students forming clods in the bleachers.

Principal Figgins walked up to the microphone and drolly announced, "I'm sure you're all wondering why I called this assembly today, seeing as we do not have a football team to cheer for nor any cheerleaders to lead the cheers. The truth is that I did not call this assembly. The entity known only as TheSource on the Twitter social network site is the one who called this assembly, as he wishes to address you all._" _

Lauren Zizes came up and started a projector connected to a laptop, displaying a Twitter homepage for "TheSourceAtWMHS." A series of tweets appeared on screen.

**Helo, mortals. Its nice 2 c u here at #WMHS. **

**BrittanySPierce is now queen. luv ur doggy**

Kurt mentioned to Brittany, "You shouldn't have changed your look again." Her cell phone buzzed and she checked it.

**WMHS_QuizBowl tesed Queen BrittanySPierce yester day & now is bottom cliq. Should be #slushied**

Without warning, the quiz bowl team, dressed in academic robes, was slushied by all the groups surrounding them. Brittany's phone buzzed and she checked it.

**Ooh, #slushied WMSH_QuizBowl team is now pretty rainbo colored. Thx**

A student in druid robes stood up and called out. "Oh, Master Source, please reveal yourself so that we may worship you!"

The students began to chant "Source! Source! Source!" Will and Emma looked disconcerted.

**Ok, #WMHS, you can meet me.**

Becky Jackson walked out from behind the screen, holding a mobile phone. There was a pregnant pause.

"**Pay no attenshun 2 the man behind the screen" 3 #WizerdOfOz**

Karofsky stood up, "I ain't letting some retard run this school!" Becky frowned.

**Karofski & all hocky players now below #WMHS_QuizBowl. No mercy, plz kthxbye.**

Karofsky was thrown to the floor by his own teammates. He was pummeled with spitballs, pens, pencils, erasers, and other small objects.

"Coach Sylvester!" cried Becky, before typing on her phone again.

**Bow to CoachSueSylvester (#6NationalTitles #forPresident) plz. **

There was a brief pause before the entire school, minus Will, Emma, and New Directions, bowed down in their seats to Sue Sylvester, who was entering through the double doors. She had her distinctive track suit on, and now sported a scar over her left eye.

"Well, there's a welcome I can accept!" she exclaimed, "Thank you very much, Becky."

Sue made her way to the microphone and began a rousing speech. "It's good to be back. Just to let you know what I've experienced, I endured months of torture at the hands of my socialist captors."

Will walked over to Sue. "Sue, you've only been gone a week. And you don't appear to have any injuries besides your eye."

"Oh, that was self-inflicted. After I'd killed all my captors, I wanted to demonstrate to them why they lost."

"That doesn't make any sense, Sue."

Sue turned to Becky, "Hey, Becky, put glee club at the bottom of the pack again."

Becky refused, "But, Coach, Brittany's on glee and she's the best in the world!"

"Agreed, with the exception of my Cheerios. They are still top dogs."

**WMHS_NewDirections is bottom. WMHS_Cheerios are top.**

Sue spoke into the mic, "So, with the exception of the horrendously dressed Santana Lopez, who has seen fit to mar her affirmative action-inducing caramel skin with what appears to be printer toner, all Cheerios are hereby reinstated."

Santana immediately began to bawl in her seat, causing her facial tattoos to bleed down her face. Brittany held her close and glared at anyone who so much looked like they wanted to do something untoward to her. The rest of the club followed suit, with Quinn in front.

Jacob Ben Israel ran down the bleacher stairs, wearing an Adidas track suit. "Coach Sylvester, I was so inspired by your powerful reign on this school, that when the students decided to emulate great fashions, I chose yours."

"Well, aren't you the homely little sycophant? I have no use for you, but I'm fairly sure my number one Cheerio could use a personal assistant. Hey, Becky, what do you say you make Rabbi Snozawitz your personal assistant?"

"Okay," Becky agreed immediately.

Jacob didn't look terribly overjoyed at this news, but nodded graciously.

: : :

During lunch, Santana, still red-eyed and catatonic, sat between Quinn and Brittany who were wearing their Cheerios uniforms again. The smeared tattoos were still marking her face and arms, though Brittany was doing her best to wash them off with a napkin dipped in Sprite. Upon closer inspection, her "tribal" tattoos consisted mostly of curlicues connecting doodles of kitties, puppies, ducks, rainbows, hearts, and pom-poms. As they disappeared, Brittany frowned sadly. She mentioned, "Don't worry, I got you the best lawyer so you can sue Coach Sylvester…" She abruptly giggled. "'you can sue _Sue_' Sorry. You can sue for your position back." She held a thumbs-up to Sam Evans, who returned the gesture, looking with confusion at a crayon drawing of stick-figure Brittany and Santana cheerleading with a frowning stick-figure Sue Sylvester looking on.

Rachel looked forlorn at her own table, where Finn was trying to reassure her. She muttered, "I was so looking forward to trying out _My Fair Lady_ on Friday. You would have looked absolutely dashing as a professor, Finn."

"It's amazing how fast things got back to order," Tina remarked, trying to change the subject. Mercedes and Kurt agreed. None of the group had changed clothes yet.

Artie pointed out, "Kurt, you're on the Cheerios. Why aren't you back in your uniform?"

"I spent a lot of time on this outfit," he admitted, "So I told Sylvester I'd left my uniform at home but would start wearing it tomorrow. She wasn't happy and now I've got to sing both parts to a Captain and Tenille song, but as long as I back in red tomorrow, I'm still on the squad."

"And out of your Robin Hood getup?" Artie asked.

"It's not Robin Hood! Or Peter Pan! My look was inspired by an Esprit outfit that may or may not have in turn been inspired by either of those literary figures. Give me some credit."

Mercedes looked over, "Now, it's not like I've got any love for Santana, but that's kind of pathetic. Do you think Sue will let her back on the team once she gets herself cleaned up?"

"Oh, probably," Kurt replied, "she's got the best hip-shimmy butt-roll combo on the squad, and I know for a fact that Sue was putting her front and center since she heard that David Hasselhoff was going to be judging Nationals this year."

At that moment, Coach Beiste walked in the door. She walked a little like a zombie, slowly but with purpose, and kind of looked like a zombie, as she was covered in what appeared to be stings.

: : :

In the nurse's office, Puck, Finn, Mike, and Sam gathered around Beiste.

"Coach, the nurse said that you had enough venom in your system to kill three men. Are you sure you're okay?" Finn asked.

"Boy, do you really think I'm not more powerful than three men?"

"No," Finn covered, "you're worth like ten men. A hundred. A million. No, more even; like a thousand."

"Okay, I didn't ask you to flirt with me like a rattle snake at a flea market. I could get in big trouble for that."

Finn looked queasy, so he backed up.

"So you actually destroyed all the nests with your bare hands?" Puck asked.

"You bet I did, Puckerman. You think I'm making this up?"

"No way; I just think it's totally boss," Puck replied with genuine admiration.

"Well, I appreciate that," Beiste remarked diplomatically.

"So, is football back on now?" Sam asked, "'Cause these suits are really itchy and Miss Pillsbury's been giving me sweet-eyes."

"It'll take another couple of days to clear out the kudzu," Besite remarked, "but we'll be on the field first thing Monday morning."

"It'll be nice to have a break," Mike commented.

"Oh, there'll be no break, Chang," Beiste remarked, "we've already lost too much time, so we'll be running drills in an industrial freezer every afternoon until Monday. I suggest you invest in some long underwear unless you boys want to become the new sopranos in your little glee club."

All the boys' eyes went wide.

: : :

The following day, Santana volunteered to sing first. Dressed in an oversized merlot-colored sweater and tight blue jeans, she sang "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, while self-consciously pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands.

_I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything feels like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

After her song, which seemed to leave her drained, she wordlessly returned to her seat between Mike and Brittany. She picked up Merry Cherry from Brittany's lap and laid her head on the cheerleader's thighs, holding the Cheerio uniform-clad dog in her arms.

Puck spoke up next. "Yeah, I know you're all sad and whatever about getting kicked on the Cheerios, and since you've flatly turned down all my offers of pity sex." The combined glares of all the females in the room withered the rest of his speech, so he was forced to get the point. "Me and Artie have a little something to bring the mood in the room back up."

Will gestured for them to continue.

Puck with his guitar and Artie with his base played the opening licks to "The Boys Are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy.

_Guess who just got back today?  
Them wild-eyed boys that had been away  
Haven't changed, haven't much to say  
But man, I still think them cats are crazy_

_They were asking if you were around  
How you was, where you could be found  
Told them you were living downtown  
Driving all the old men crazy_

_The boys are back in town  
The boys are back in town_

Mike got up and started dancing immediately. As the second verse started, he gestured to Tina to join him, which she eagerly did. Quinn followed, dragging Mercedes and Kurt with her.

_You know that chick that used to dance a lot  
Every night she'd be on the floor shaking what she'd got  
Man when I tell you she was cool, she was red hot  
I mean she was steaming_

_And that time over at Johnny's place  
Well this chick got up and she slapped Johnny's face  
Man we just fell about the place  
If that chick don't want to know, forget her_

Mike spun Tina to Kurt and danced with Quinn, and then Mercedes, leaving Quinn to join Kurt and Tina. Tina returned to Mike, and Kurt to Mercedes, Quinn found her way to the bench where Will was sitting, yanked him up, and they danced together.

_The boys are back in town  
The boys are back in town  
I said  
The boys are back in town_

Finn and Rachel jumped up from their seat to dance as well. Santana finally pushed Brittany away, so that she could join the dancing to, though she remained nearby, orbiting Santana, eliciting a smile from her.

The song ended, and Puck made an announcement. "This song was really special to me, because it represents the end of my tenure with the jazz band, as well as my public friendship with my boy Artie here. Due to the restored order of the school, I will be forced to treat Artie with abject indifference."

Artie grinned, "Which is a step up from restrained aversion, so I'm still quite pleased."

Their speech was interrupted by Figgins walking in. His eyes briefly locked on where Quinn was sitting next to Will on the piano bench, but she seemed to understand the implications and quickly made her way back to her seat.

"What can I help you with, Figgins?"

"Nothing much, Schue. I just wanted to come and address your glee club." He turned to the students, "I wanted to make everyone aware, that contrary to popular opinion, I have regained my position of authority over the school, and that Becky Jackson is no longer officially authorized to made amendments to school policy."

"She was officially authorized?" Will asked.

"In exchange for not having McKinley renamed 'Hogwarts', I may have signed a document to such. Our lawyer has assured me that to a legal loophole, namely improper certification as well as the fact that it was written in gel pen by a pre-pre-law club student by the name of Samuel Evans containing an egregious number of misspellings, has rendered the document null and void."

"You came down here just to tell us that?"

"I still do not have permission to use my own intercom system."

Will laughed, "Maybe your next stop should be the A/V club."

"I have already spoken with them." Figgins let that statement sit before excusing himself.

"Okay," Will remarked, "that was an interesting end to a very interesting week. We have time for one more song. I really want to buckle down and start looking for numbers for Sections next week." Without even seeing her hand, Will called on Rachel.

"Mr. Schue, Finn and I have prepared something that I believe fulfills both this week _and_ last week's assignment."

"It a country song, but it's like totally more awesome than Puck's was." Puck sent Finn a challenging glare that Finn tried to ignore.

The band began playing "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi and Jennifer Nettles.

Over the sound of the violin and drum set, Finn began:

_I spent twenty years trying to get out of this place  
I was lookin' for somethin' I couldn't replace  
I was runnin' away from the one thing I've ever known _

Rachel came in, adding as much twang to her voice as she could manage.

_And like a blind dog without a bone  
I was a gypsy lost in the twilight zone  
I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold_

They sang to each other:

_I've been there, done that, now I ain't lookin' back  
And the seeds I've sown, savin' dimes  
Spendin' too much time on the telephone  
Who says you can't go home?_

_Who says you can't go home?  
There's only one place that call me one of their own  
Just a hometown boy, born a rollin' stone  
Who says you can't go home?_

_Who says you can't go back?  
Been all around the world and as a matter of fact  
There's only one place left, I want to go  
Who says you can't go home? It's alright  
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright_

With the exception of Puck, mad at being outdone, the entire club bounced in their seats.

Brittany turned to Santana, who was dancing more listlessly than the rest. "You okay?"

Santana answered, "Behold, she cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see her, and they also which pierced her: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of her."

"Hmm?" Brittany wondered.

"I'll be back," she replied, linking her pinkie with Brittany's.

* * *

A/N: I found myself spending an inordinate time writing about clothing, but I was really trying to complete the visual element of this series.

Anyway, I'm glad I ended the series here, because it was getting so tricky to write and I swear the whole thing was about to implode. But fear not; I will be jumping right into the sequel. I'll say only two things. Santana _will_ be back. And the social hierarchy of the school will be getting another makeover.


End file.
